Star Wars. The holy grail of movie merchandising. The undisputed king of kitsch crap. The money printing machine that has infinite ideas for ways you should part with your money for yourself, your kids and your pets.
Still, it’s all totally worth it, and with the revival of the series this year with ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ comes a new wave of all manner of merch, toys and games. Argos just dropped a bomb in our inbox announcing their massive new collection, so here’s what we think is the best of what they have to offer so far:
1. Jedi Master Lightsaber (Hasbro, £49.99)
Who hasn’t wanted to have a super awesome (definitely real) lightsaber at some point in their life? This time around, Star Wars ‘Bladebuilders’ have basically blown this thing wide open with a build-your-own Lightsaber kit. Prepare to lose your mind and your wallet to this puppy.
If you REALLY want to spend a shit-tonne on fake lightsabers, this “movie realistic” lightsaber for £219.99 will probably be the Holy Grail for Star Wars fans/nerds.
2. Star Wars: The Force Awakens Nerf Chewbacca Bowcaster (Hasbro £24.99)
Nerf is, has been and always will be cool. Now, Nerf meets star wars in this stupid-as-hell-but-also brilliant ‘Bowcaster’, loosely based on something from the movie (probably). If you need an excuse to buy this, you’re probably looking at the wrong article, so whatever.
3. Star Wars Chewbacca Robe (£39.99)
Despite the fact we are all vegetarian here at Merch Mouth, if we were forced to pick ONE character that would suit being made into a bath robe, it’d be Chewbacca 10 times out of 10. Fortunately, modern human garments don’t really need to be made from the real Chewbacca (no one needs another Cecil The Lion on their hands), so this robe should more than suffice.
4. R2D2 GoGlow Pal (£14.99)
If this little buddy had been around when I was scared of the dark, I think I’d have been right off to sleep every night. Instructions say “squeeze me til I light up”, which is just adorable. 10/10
5. Star Wars: The Force Awakens Mug and Socks Gift Set (£9.99)
We’re a long way off Christmas (and seriously, though, kill me for suggesting this), but it’s a classic gift and combines two of the best lame-but-cool merch ideas – socks and mugs. Boom.
6. Star Wars lunchbox and Bottle (£9.99)
Pretty much says what it does on the tin. It’s also back to school this week, so you can either have a super un-cool kid with a plain old lunchbox or a sick Star Wars lunchbox and bottle. The choice is yours.
7. Star Wars Battleships (£29.99)
It’s long been said that Star Wars will merchandise anything, so I’m rather glad they finally got around to merchandising a version of the greatest strategy board game of all time. Star Wars Battleships (my tagline: because you’re worth it).
8. Star Wars: The Force Awakens Lego Millenium Falcon (£129.99)
No list of Star Wars crap would be complete with some lego, and this new Millenium Falcon is basically the coolest thing that’s ever been created in the history of the universe since the real thing was about so you might as well splash out. Total bargain.,
9. Star Wars: The Force Awakens Stormtrooper Handwarmers (£6.99)
Just for fun, because these are probably the worst things ever but you can always buy them for someone you don’t really like?
10. Star Wars: The Force Awakens Kylo Ken Voice Changer Mask (£44.99)
I haven’t even heard what this new bad guy sounds like, but it has to be fairly ridiculous if there’s a voice changer mask. My thoughts are a) buy one now and sell it on for a profit b) you probably know someone who has a neice/nephew that’ll stab people with a plastic lightsaber for it / plans on updating their anonymous videos for Winter 2015/2016. Great investment all round.